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2/14/2009 给情人节的情书这是一封为了纪念的记念.
上次也是这个住址唯一的一次house party上, Fifi是最后走的. Fifi说, 说说吧, 大家深刻的情事. 很高兴. 从来没有那么具体地形容过那些美好的瞬间. 也是第一次这样分享. 我一直都说, 这些是应该拍成电影的. 一直都很希望, 有个电影里, 有我生活的复写. 现在说起来, 居然是因为电影.
一直想要把那天写下. 现在回去找Fifi在facebook上写的note, 居然已经不再. 我居然也不是很记得我说过些什么. 一定说到了我和小麦认识的过程, 很美好很转角遇到爱的遇见, 一直到现在我还保留着那个我们见面日学校发来的email的拍屏, 一直想在xx周年的时候再发给他, 可惜就再没有合适的日子. 很深刻的还有比我大三年三天的Al的那句, "See you at table 22." 那时我们玩游戏, 想要在一起工作的酒吧的各处亲吻却不被发现. Table 22是一个大方柱后面面河的2人小桌, 方柱就是我们的保护. 还有我遗憾没有拍下的那个情景, 我们在他flat的3层屋顶亲吻, 剪影, 夕阳, 远处的阳台扯着一大串彩色的气球风里飘乎. 屋顶是金属质带凹凸条条的. 那次他家热水坏掉, 我们把他家所有的容器拿来烧水, 一次次倒进浴缸里想泡个澡. 弄了好久, 两人总算进到浴缸里, 然后看着水位迅速下降. 浴缸塞不紧! 我们都笑了. 很可爱的事情呢. 不记得我那天还有说过什么. 不过现在想起来, 其实我和小麦初识的时候, 每次他送我回家我们在家对面的教堂门前亲吻2小时我再上楼的日子, 也许是爱情电影最甜腻的桥段. 虽然我不记得哪里出现过, 但是电影, 也不过这么美好而已吧.
Fifi则说起她和M的共患难的日子. 穷困潦倒的时候, 中文还不会的M有Fifi牵着他的手, 指着牌子上字教他:"xx菜市场", 细算着吃喝. 每个星期只够一张碟的钱, 他们挑了又挑两人都喜欢的电影, 7天看上好多遍. 有一次相约不说话, 两人把所有要对对方说的话都写在墙上, 写满了一间屋子...... 很英勇的爱情. 可是等到现在事情都好起来, 人却分开了. 爱情我想还是在的吧, 至于为什么不能在一起或者还要不要在一起, 应该是好难回答的问题吧.
当年我还给小麦发我的野蛮女友里的10条让他做中文功课, 还发过河东狮吼的那些. 不过他似乎是觉得太难没有做后面的那个. 今天偶然看电视看到马伟豪, 拍过那么多可爱的爱情电影的导演, 在老婆通过摄像机的告白后热泪盈眶. 河东狮吼里柏芝要的那些, 何尝不是他老婆, 给他灵感的朋友的女友, 所有为人女友为人妻的女孩子的心声. 在那封没有寄出的信的最后, 我还曾经用英文把电影里的这段话翻译给他, 告诉他我是如何的恨铁不成钢. 结果后来才知道, 原来是我们的感情没有到能融化金属的热度. 但即便是这样, 我们还是久久地执拗地站在墨尔本机场那个极不人道的进海关的大门前, 一边流泪一边亲吻, 让那个只让进不让出的感应门开开合合个没完...... 即便是这样, 我还是保存着刚刚分开不久用各地拍到的心型物体照片做成的小片子, 哪天送出去给他, 好说明一下一些时间一些事情给我们的感情必要的交代.
这些天看Araki看图说话讲他拍照的一本书. 总算看到我印象最深刻的那两张照片. 他夫人病危的时候路上的他和他刻意买的含苞的花束的影子, 还有他夫人没有来得及看到的同一束花朵的盛放. 当然那些花, 女孩, 天空都是那么有生命的味道. 以至于你根本不会去想, 这个如花的女孩, 已经是几十年前如花的女孩. 希望能留下这样的照片, 也许是那些女性拍照时无所顾忌的原因吧. 爱一个人爱一件事情爱生活可以到这样, 真是很爽的一件事情呢. 怎么我说话也突然有了那个台湾译者的语气.:)
之前还很应景地听到信乐团的死了都要爱. 歌词写得很好. 第一次那么仔细读. 爱情就应该是这样的不是吗?
希望又一次在转角出现的, 是那些歌词般的畅快淋漓. 也同时祝福所有英勇恋爱的孩子们.
1/11/2009 好久了自从很久很久以前那次被至亲从别人那儿看到这里并劝导我删除某些至深的记忆, 就没再写出来. 一种被背叛的感觉. 说的背叛不是被人. 许久了, 一次也就写得出几张图的组命名和两个不写就写不出来的重要的故事.
看到那些起伏辗转的文字, 自己动了自己的情. 这么久也不是没有再记录的心情和事情, 却一直就那么堵着, 出不来, 淡去了.
最近, 最很长一段时间的近, 发生了很多. 我好像要重新记录下一些关键词以免以后痛恨自己的弱. 可我留得下来的, 也就只剩关键词了.
我不知道从何说起, 就好像那天见到蔡同学, 那么多年的相隔, 人依旧友情依旧, 却问不出那么多年不见的彼此生活. 太久了. 临走前地铁站台上他说, 性格还是没有变. 我说,当然不会变的, 不过自己还是经历了很多事情. 想想, 有7年没见了吧. 那疯长的7年. 上一次去一样的餐馆坐在他位置的也是一个多年不见的人, 艺术预科的老师Matthew, 一个我未见其人先在国内就闻了其声的老师, 真的是第一个了. 注册的时候, 听到我的声音, 他说, Lin Ma, 我说, Matthew Watts. M老师和我念的是一样的大学一样的本科, 一样在最后一年决定不干跟这个本科同名的行业. 一样的道德和理想的原因. 我笑说, 你早知道怎么不告诉我?! 我们谈论当年我们的本科如何从他念的时候开始就在从艺术往商业上转, 一直到我成了最后一届BA的学生. 记起他在课上给我们做的道德选择的游戏, 说给他100万他也绝不给香烟做广告. 我当时没明白这金钱与道义的选择为什么不因为量而妥协而倒置, 后来发现, 我现在也会这么选. 也不是说烟, 说的是不能只为钱. 那么巧澳大利亚的Regurgitator来北京, 带他去了MAO Live. 没想到他们居然是他那么喜欢的乐队, 少年喜欢到现在, 买CD买T恤的那种. 他说把我的联系方式给了学校一些公关的人, 因为我干上了电影还干上了些有名的电影的缘故他们可能会用上. 我说, 好啊, 可估计他们不会喜欢我说, 我发现我不喜欢在你们这儿学的, 干了别的. 笑.
两年, 做了两个全职, 开头和现在, 3个电影, 2个星期四川地震志愿者, 1个奥运会, 一个发现是只为钱的不到一个月的全职可以忽略不计, 两次长期长途旅行; 认识了好些亲爱的人, 体验了好些不同类别的情感. 说的不是我基本如自然灾害般3年一遇的感情. 而是大于友情的种种.
两年, 我看到理想的接近和接近里的还在前方, 看到理想生活出乎意料的简单和可以屏蔽的非理想世界, 看到很多原本遥远的人和事, 看到削掉一半的山夷为平地的村庄听到电话里石块来袭的喘息奔跑, 看到远去的跌宕青春, 看到自己的微笑和越来越微薄的感伤; 看到生活的美好, 也看到过去那些迷茫潦倒燃情的日子的可贵和不可再得. 看到依然雀跃的小梦想大梦想, 看到懒惰看到自信看到怀疑看到小迷茫看到自我安慰看到立即淡定看到继续....
看到2005年10月5号的日记倒数第三行, 似乎这些年, 好多人和事都跟这名字或事情关系. 我居住了4年的城市, 我唯一有机会长情的一段不长的感情, 6个里起码3个工作, 我的朋友我的恩人. 可当李先生2008年北半球的春天出现在现场的时候, 我看着他走来感觉时间定格却害羞得没能告诉他这些故事也没说我是谁. 听说他搬了家. 在有露天电影院的植物园旁边. 太久了, 太多说不清吧, 不说怀揣给下一次或者就一直揣着也好.
以此记念我失去的两年记录. 新开始吧. 故事不能再积压, 希望文字也能复苏到原来的能动自己情的水平. 无论谁看到, 我做的还是自己的见证人.
刚才看到真正意义上的上一个完结篇的日期, 又确认了一下今天的日期, 发现, 我说的两年还真的是整两年.
那些花儿- 集2 L.R.在越南脚上湄公河往柬埔寨的旅程里, 我们的团队拼到一起, 你的第二天我的第一天. 中途短程的巴士, 我坐在你的身边. 我那天穿了黑色低V无袖T恤, 最喜欢的牛仔裤. 看见你明亮的眼睛和清秀微笑的脸, 有点小窃喜, 问你, 这里有人坐吗? 你说, 没有没有你坐吧. 后来才知道, 你的窃喜比我大. 我说, 你是我第一个认识的以色列人. 然后我们就开始就我们同牌子前后脚出的同系相机拍的照片没完没了.
河上我们一起看到岸上村民的不断挥手致意, 船上晒太阳, 听同行的英国女孩拉手风琴, 看到进入柬埔寨以后那些圣灵般的白牛在两岸吃草劳作, 风起云涌绿洲佛寺, 一棵惊艳的巨大的树下边小船飞过, 大雨没过的农田变成了树影独立有十字分水的汪洋, 像是man ray的照片......
到达金边的夜里, 大家都住在湖边的旅馆. 我们去那个路遇的英国人在3层小楼顶层开的酒吧, 地上铺满了席子. 回到住处, 背着咫尺的那酒吧的灯光, 我们的剪影像拍电影一样接合了. 早晨起来发现, 原来窗外阳台外那一泊美丽的水, 是大雨扩张了的湖面. 还有隐现的农田的绿色和河畔屋顶有锈红的老房子.
然后我改了我的船票, 我们一起坐车去了吴哥, 前往泰国. 路上那条记忆中最美丽的路, 黄泥和水, 坑洞一路. 可是更好的是路上和路边的水连成一塘, 路边热粉的睡莲就这样差不多开到了路中央, 浅水浸的田野绿光粼粼, 看到一卡车橙衣的年轻僧侣, 狗叫, 戴着格子头巾骑摩托车自行车的人们, 孩子在路上打闹, 不时出现的承载巨大货品的小小人力车.... 我的相机满载, 借你的记下了一张坑洞一路的见证.
泰国的时间我延了又延. 我们一起去桃源般的水上市场, 在那个曼谷附近的小城骑车看红砖残迹. 你南下, 我道别. 结果误机加上遭遇连续几天航班取消, 我错过了那场好友的婚礼. 也就是因为这婚礼, 我才一路赶了那么急, 也才见到了你. 我当即南下小岛寻你而去. 第一个小岛上你走时, 我到达, 我住你住过的小屋. 过后奔赴满月party的小岛, 我到的时候, 你路过车窗外. 我喊你, 你回头, 可是没有找到我. 我于是上了那海边崖上的小屋, 用了你给的密码开了你的门等你. 满月的那天我们喝当地的以小桶卖的酒. 看到满天的孔明灯. 我们就这么去过了所有你计划中我计划外的小岛, 每日3顿, 和着各个小饭馆放的电影剧集, 夜晚轻轻的酒精看歌舞升平烟熏火舞, 浅潜晒黑登高望远坐船出游......
你是一个多好的拉丁老师, 我在5分钟内学会了很多的转. 我们去看曼谷普吉的烟花夜场, 评论谁的身材舞技, 想像多种陆离的哀伤......
我们因为义愤于刚到时大巴上钱物被盗而照了回程的巴士照片被人夜里转车时抛下. 你买了晚点3小时的只剩两张的火车票, 我们本来腻在同一个铺, 可我被列车员拉着在黑暗里穿过好多节车厢甚至爬过卖货的小车来到我票上的床位. 走之前我拉拉你的头, 给了你一个吻. 最后一夜.
第二天一早, 我醒了就去看你. 我们终于又可以腻着. 整车的床都被列车员变成了座位. 可我们就是拉着帘子不出来. 后来我在我的背包里看到了你留的条. 你说你哭了. 因为你的冲动我们失去了这最后一夜的一起. 没有想到, 我早上惊喜地出现.
原本我去改票时, 本想着我先你一天走. 可是没有了, 结果你比我早一些小时. 我去了你去过我没去的庙, 用着你给我买的中文地图. 想着你在高空两万里.
走的那天你流着泪强调了很多遍你的刻骨. 现在你对我还是逢友便提, 充满骄傲. 你说, 你在家见到了我们一起遇到的同胞. 她说, 当时见到的我们是最美丽最合衬的一对. 总有一天, 我会去看你. 总有一天, 你会来这里. 可我们也永远, 不能在一起. 可我们还是继续要说, 我爱你.
7/2/2007 那些花儿- 集1 A.H.
好久以来的第一次. 当初的结束其实没有故意的意思, 可是心里一赌, 就再也没有写出来. 觉得我是不是有必要再一次记得自己的过往, 以此鞭策自己过有责任有意义的生活.
2005年南半球的初春遇到的那个人终于成为过去了. 我不知道如何表达我的哀伤或不哀伤. 最奇怪的是他还有可能以另一种方式来到我北京的生活里. 这么久的空白, 有必要记下我这空白里面有颜色的人和事.
故事1: 在那个叫世界的酒吧, R.A.H.. 大家和他自己都更喜欢A.H.. 原谅我不能写出他的全名. 我要保护自己也保护有些人.
那场世界杯的比赛在他家, 他们弄了个投影机. 结果信号接口不好我们在邻居家看到了英格兰的惨烈. 我们在沙发上亲吻了蜷缩了睡去. 我会一直记得那一天. 第二天Oli在我们的世界上班时大肆偷笑着说, 昨天我不知道是不是做了一个梦, 梦里他俩腻上了.
那个可以爬上屋顶的3层. 好可惜没有拍下那张我一直想拍的照片, 夕阳下看得到海的楼顶, 我们亲吻的剪影. 记得好像不远处还有一串彩色的气球.
他说我们玩个游戏吧, 工作的时候在各个地方亲吻可是不能被大家看到. "I'll see you at table 22." 暗笑. 那张大方柱子后边面河的小桌. 悄悄走进洗手间没有等到他他去晚了又没有找到我的不成.
我们在他那时没有了热水的公寓想泡个热水澡, 动用了全家的容器烧水, 轮换着倒进浴缸, 满怀欣喜地坐进去发现, 原来浴缸的塞根本塞不好. 笑了.
他无家可归后我们都住在我的公寓里. 他在隔壁房. 至于为什么要假装隔壁, 故事很长.
我们一起去下边街上的药店, 他伤了鼻子我伤了脚, 撞到彼此惊叫. 那时出门的时候, 一起快要迟到, 一起捉狂地抓着对方的药膏和消炎药问我的在哪里. 赶电车的时候, 我跑不动很痛. 他抱起我的腿飞奔, 说是背香蕉的时候就是这个姿势最好.
我走之前3天他陪我去献血. 我曾经有个想法觉得在每个所到的国家留下我的热血是个很有型的事情. 后来发现那样我会短期内失血过多而死. 那一次我竟然被每个手臂扎了一个针眼后没有把血给出去. 同一天, 我们闹翻了.
我走的时候, 他送给我我一直觊觎的他旧公寓里那张原来是他收集来的杂志上的小画. "Love hurts. Got ya." 可是那副我那么爱的小画因为不是我的原因丢了. 就是在因为他去的泰国. 什么记录都没有了.
那时要去的泰国, 很大程度上因为他近期有计划去. 结果我们还是错过了. 他一如既往地拖延了该发生的事情. 给他买了绿色的t恤, 他喜欢绿色. 可是现在我也没有办法寄出去给一直在路上的他.
这个比我大3年3天的人. 给了我这个我整天念叨着想弄成电影的短语. 我们都是同一个星座的典型代表. 甚至拥抱的身体都不用适应地可以那么正好地镶嵌, 一直睡到天亮不分开. 初识时我们一起上那个到关门的夜班, 擦着一桶放了水的醋里泡的勺子叉子, 都惊喜于彼此对于the one的心存期盼. 可是, 我只能轻轻想着我们极可能不在一起的在一起, 舍不得一刀斩断我本来要死的所谓爱情. 都是因为, 我要离开了. 离开难道就可以成为要死的爱情的解药不成. 再说我看也没到爱那份上. 可我就是那么不忍我那长过了3/4年的爱恋, 轻蔑了这1个月不到的一个. 就是那么低头了. 伤了他好深. 本来都以为, 反正要离开, 这样也没有不可以. 可是结果我们都没有能忍受, 这不能告诉全世界的委屈. 虽然在我们相遇的那个世界, 我们早就不能自已地表达, 我们很开心, 我们在一起.
1/11/2007 Burned BeansOfficially done.
Last time the same kind of day, I burned the same kind of beans when trying to make the same kind of sweet soup.
I did it again, right on the night. Today, wanda, the little blue fish died. She had even turned black.
My time of the space is still set to Eastern Australian.
I searched for your dream job in Beijing straight away for some strange reason. Remember you said, if there is a great job in Google Beijing now, I may be arriving tomorrow. Then I dreamed about the whole thing. "You arrived. We hugged. You said, thank you.... I felt like, it is not the right time to start again...."
Guess I am losing my feelings towards you right from the dream starts.
I can't even imagine kissing, sex happening again if they might be.
Timing, is a funny thing. We were just not ready.
Ciao.
"The sentiment remains."
sen·ti·ment  (s n t -mnt)
n.
1. A thought, view, or attitude, especially one based mainly on emotion instead of reason: An anti-American sentiment swept through the country. See Synonyms at feeling, opinion.
2.
a. Emotion; feeling: Different forms of music convey different kinds of sentiment.
b. Tender or romantic feeling.
c. Maudlin emotion; sentimentality. 3. The emotional import of a passage as distinct from its form of expression.
4. The expression of delicate and sensitive feeling, especially in art and literature. [Middle English sentement, from Old French, from Medieval Latin sent
 mentum, from Latin sentre, to feel; see sent- in Indo-European roots.]6/7/2006 如果一切都正好电脑里面有首歌叫let's make love. 歌词说, when everything feels good, let's make love. 乐队的名字叫, fourplay.
我看自己以前中文的日记, 发现我写不出来那样的狠准了. 那天在车站见到旧人, 发现好久没有讲的粤语, 说得有点歪斜有点慢. 我的北京腔怎么说都回不去那股耍皮的肯定. 再说我连试验的机会都没有. 忽然之间我已经好久没有和讲中文的人大批量地讲中文了.
我回想自己以前的英文口音, 发现我无法控制地越来越英国. 我本来是很希望自己稍稍加国的口音变成稍稍英国的, 现在觉得有点过头有点怪. 那天jeremy同学说我有南非口音. 更没天理了. 我除了听说过南非和charlize theron南非口音怎么讲, 完全没有南非口音的概念.
我的摄影从原来的起码有按快门的欲望到现在的要求太高什么都不屑按下结果什么都留不下. 我的画从小时候的写实具体得不像孩子不得不假装幼稚到后来的不是抽象到无知就是懒得再写实到细致. 我的钢琴从以前的照书不思考到后来的思考到自己的不能自如而恐慌而最终不再接触而放低. 我的跳舞从原来的训练到完美疲累到死到后来的没有律动的冲动. 我的头发从渐失卷曲到现在的不够伏贴从原来的长到厌倦到现在的撕扯不长. 我的未来从原来的那么长期性确定到现在的怀疑所有不定一切.
什么都是要刚好才好. 可是我总是在那些差一点到过头间摇摇荡荡定不到那个正好的点子上.
似乎现在, 连感情也要算上. 我们在深深浅浅间互换, 会不会等你再进来, 我已经要出走.
其实做爱要求的并不多, 也不需要多少的刚刚好. 要求多的, 是旁边的事情.
6/3/2006 日子分开一个月.
我以为, 你会平静得比我还没心没肺.
第二天开始就跟你联系无所谓, 不过是因为:
生活还是一样的要过, 我还是一样住在这世界的角落.
再说我也真的没有什么所谓.
记得很早的时候我就和小倩说, 为什么我都找不到当年和小骚的激动.
没想到, 你居然每次都被我弄成沸腾的一锅粥.
去悉尼开会也罢去欧洲发疯也好, 三个星期的不联系, 你以为于我有多值得大惊伤神,
犯得着见面轰轰烈烈地告诉一声.
一个月, 我们也不过是在街上见了两次. 一次你上课, 一次你下班.
如果你真的是那个到现在居然还吃醋吃到你只见过两次甚至一次没有见过的我朋友身上的小气男人,
那我希望我痛扁过你.
如果你真的是那个分手满月大假临走前居然问到可不可以来我家过夜再后会有期的混帐,
那我情愿没有认识过你.
如果你真的是那个明说了不能对我好但还要吃醋又想上床的猪,
那我会饶不过我自己.
如果你真的是那个不许我说别人好, 不许我说你不是的狗屁玩意儿,
那我会越来越喜欢我自己.
如果你真的是那个连普通朋友都不配当的world class asshole,
那我会否定了这一直以来的日子.
所有可以美好的都没有了美好, 所有记得的都干脆当成耻辱.
我会跟自己说, 你tm怎么那么失水准, 看中了一头猪, 凌迟了自己7,8个月的日子.
但是我还是选择相信你分开后在我一次次平静开怀里你一次次的哽咽和泪水.
我还是选择相信你不是一个只有x欲和占有欲的猪头男,
我还是选择相信这一次旅行回来我们那场临别时未完成的舌战继续当时的辛辣和暧昧以至不能收拾,
我还是选择相信, 我选择的男友, 一次都不能错.
其实, 你问我的问题, 我已经设想过很多次你问我的场景.
我希望发生什么?
我早就想好, 我的回答, 只有在你回答以后才能给.
如果你说你不回来,
那我什么也不说, 我也无所谓.
如果你说你有所谓且有所为,
那我也不用说什么, 当我们放过了暑假.
其实, 那两次的街头相遇, 多少有我有意的成分.
其实, 我知道你还舍不得.
其实, 我感觉到自己又暗里使劲地让事情往我希望的方向发展了.
只是我一直没有想到也没有想通, 一个人为什么可以同时那么在乎又同时那么自私到你以为他不在乎.
你告诉我的是, 你除了想召之即来挥之及去以外, 还想占据人心最重要的位置并为此张狂.
大概这就是为什么你张狂地吃醋动怒大张旗鼓地说你会回来
而我疑惑你的是, 你以为我有多在乎可是我可以平静到入土.
我不过是觉得, 一起要有一起的样子.
不一起了, 也真的没啥.
如果我真的遇到了猪头, 那就让这个猪头纯粹下去.
如果不是, 那让这个人还个人形给我看见.
可是他问过我有没有吃醋过,
老实说, 我还真的没有.
我说, 吃醋没有用.
他说, 不要说逻辑. 我就问你有没有过.
我说, 他成了个太守则的方块.
他说, 如果你让我不顾逻辑,
我们今晚已经在床上.
你现在还在去阿姆斯特丹的飞机上. 飞行愉悦, 旅行快乐. 回来之后, 我的新家就在距你家一分钟步行距离内的路上. md, 我又不是故意的.
5/25/2006 If I could say loveMy dears, if you are native Chinese speakers, sorry that I have been writing in English for so long. I was just trying to hide behind the shadow that this little inconvenience that language brought. So that you don't want to be bothered reading, so that I get away a bit from your care or simply questions. Or, I have been protecting some of you. So that you still believe, life is beautiful.
In a lot of cases if you are not, sorry that my second language may not be totally precise to tell you how l felt. English to me is sometimes a cold language that only frames but can't at the same time render a full body image.
Anyway, all I wanted to say is that, if there is doubt that I will ever fall in love with one person, the only thing that I can be sure about love is that I love you all.
I was trying to construct a pharagraph with all of you in it and I cried for the first time so long so loud so wholeheartedly and I threw up and I am still crying for nothing now.
I met you at building 37 on August 31, 2005 you were walking down the stairs.
I met you in front of Druid's cafe Feb 2005 when I just walked crossed the street.
I met you in Kay House a bit later semester 2005 when you walked in with your girl.
I met you too in front of Druid's cafe I can't spell your name and you waved to me in classroom.
I met you in understanding China class and we talked in the second last one you asked me where to get a kind of herb tea.
I met you at the Christmas Eve party 2005 you came last with a bottle of Taquila.
I met you in Kerry Centre the advertising agency Beijing last days of 2003 we were together for the whole new year holiday.
I met you in mid September 2001 you were girlfriend of my senior.
I met you in late September 2001 we were training on a same court for first year's welcome basketball competition few days later your class lost to mine.
I met you in September 2001 but only till April 2002 that we told each other that we want to know more ever since the beginning.
I met you in September 2001 first morning after I arrived in Beijing, you said you played basketball then later we were dancing together.
I met you in the summer holiday 1997 you were that lengendary writer for any emergency.
I met you in the summer of 1996 you head hunted me from my junior school.
I met you in the same summer of 1996 but our classes practiced dancing on the same stage more than a year ago and we knew each other's nick names.
I met you in the summer of 1997 my friend called you uncle and you told me later that was for getting closer to me.
Life is just beautiful enough because of you beautiful people and all those lucky moments that we met. Dad used to say to me when I was really young, the chance for one person to meet another person in the world, is just like a piece of dust meet another piece of dust in a same room. --- We are only in a same room but we are just all too small. So sad but that's what made coincidence so beautiful. And because of all those moments, we missed same amount of equally beautiful people for the ones that we love now.
5/16/2006 Got to Move Got to Move OnWell, it's a bad and good thing that I have to move out of this place.
Was at the Reading's bookshop on Lygon St today after the lovely Anime screening stuff. This town famous notice board is just so entertaining. Those housemate recruiting ads are just as funny as Dave Chappelle to a certain extend. Some of those poor little ads have gone up to the top of the glass window which could be like 2 meters high. I guess it might be a really practical idea to borrow the ladder in the store to look at some of them. Berry jokes about it but I did went into the store and asked for the ladder but the sales guy who lacks a bit of sense of humour refused me with a really boring expression.
One of the ads says:"If you are not a creep, if you are not a full time pothead..." Another wants "activist, student, artist..."Can't recall any more but I just remembered that we laughed all the way through everything. Love these people. I am not going to get out of here! When I say here, I mean, fitzroy, carlton, Nth F, and Nth C, if by any luck that some of my Melbourne buddies happen to see this and could offer me a place with charactors filled with people with charactors, wouldn't it be nice that we live together!
5/12/2006 life is there but i am this farI know that life together is made of smoke but I am a bit lost when it's all clear.
I know that living alone is logical but we are all fighting with the up and downs alone.
I know that lives are different that I can't be jealous of too many and I can't be jealous of one too much but I don't even know which ones to be jealous of.
Life is just there but I am here. This far from one step or many. Well, why can't I just fight for it now and struggle to step up just one. Why can't I. Well, I was never a fighter. I was too spoiled by a bloodless life.
5/9/2006 meet up on a rainy nightMet these fun guys at the little Japanese cafe today.
Saw Jeremy again. Pity to mention that he won't see Miles this time. Talked about Cantonese songs. Jeremy pretty much has the same thing with northern Chinese about Cantonese pop songs. He just loves the sound of them. And his favourate is SAMMI! Oh god. But not a bad choice! :) And David is the second guy who is crazily mastering 4 languages after I know Jorge. AND, he is working as a translator in these languages professionally. Damn, how could people fit in so much in their brain! Nice to talk to Ronald too, he loves eternal sunshine and old boy, too. Hard to find people with same taste in movies. Maybe we could all go together next week for Dave Chappelle's Block Party then.
If I could, I would really love to have all these lovely people at my place and we have a Chinese movie screening every week. Instead of talking in English about how hard it is to learn Chinese and being so shy in a public space to actually speak, watching a movie listening to it and speaking about it while watching and after watching would be so much better. And a friend's place would be more relaxing than a cafe. The most important thing is, having friends to watch movies that you love with you, is the best thing in the world. But I don't have a DVD player and I don't have a TV that's big enough and I haven't been able to make my place really cozy and welcoming yet. And unfortunately I won't be able to change anything at the moment. But, well, this could happen easier than some other stuff I imagine.
Anyway, it was really good to see them on this rainy night when my mood got all rainy and messed up. And hope, there is a beautiful day tomorrow.
5/4/2006 丝瓜和梨这么多年, 我一直告诉别人自己也相信, 这里唯一买不到的就是丝瓜.
其实我根本也没有去狠狠地找. 我也从来不是一个会狠狠找一种蔬菜下手的人. 可是那天在那个那么大众我那么不屑留心的超市里, 我看到了几根深绿的丝瓜.
我一直想念的丝瓜炒鸡蛋的味道, 还有清炒纯丝瓜的味道就那么荡漾开来. 同一天, 我还买了西洋菜, 中国店买的西洋菜, 很对比.
那个好不容易遇到的紫色的芋头, 还在冰箱里挺着. 所以要强调紫色, 是因为买的唯一的一次芋头, 是土豆的颜色. 而妈妈买到的冰冻的芋头, 虽然生着一样是土豆的颜色, 可是熟了也就有了紫色, 可是, 也还有一股冰箱的味道.
今天炒了丝瓜和鸡蛋. 失手盐放多了, 因为急切的缘故. 想念竟然是这么急切. 想念的味道被一手杀掉. 西洋菜煮了汤. 没有排骨, 丢下去一块白花花的肉. 吃着吃着, 味道也就这样慢慢地像起来. 我说的像, 是像西洋菜排骨汤应有的味道.
那个很大的4分之1西瓜, 终于被开刀. 一直计划的买西瓜拍self portrait, 西瓜买了, 角架也还了. 角架再回来的时候, 西瓜已经不是想要的样子. 然后又会有另一轮的买西瓜的挣扎. 之所以挣扎, 因为西瓜有点重, 对超市有点爱恨不能的躁.
Anzac Day以后有点烦闷的几天, 狠狠地在街对面那个韩国店买了很多很多的甜味. 各种饮料各种包装各种奇异的味道创意, 有些我不认识的文字, 其实还很想顺便买了那很漂亮很漂亮的日本青梅酒. 瓶子外面可以看到一颗颗的青梅. 玻璃的瓶子很单纯很好看. 那些日本韩国的清酒都很好看. 最近酒吧的孩子们不大聚众欢饮了. 冬天要来, 人走了不少, 温暖也走了一半. 我开始想, 我要不要开始喝酒. 比如, 买个25特价的bailey's加奶天天喝. 或者每天做小ben开发的shot, 名字叫, ben's berry bonanza.
每次一个人去买果子蔬菜, 总是会想到nicholas cage在天使之城里边一个人在狠狠拣梨的样子. 所以我尽量不一个人. 一个人的时候尽量让自己不过是买零食. 可是, 看到那满目的花样, 我竟然无从下手. 我的零食很寥寥, 水果, 花样饮料, 腰果核桃香蕉片. 不过如此. 当然, 有的时候我会去买狠贵的牛肉干牛肉片牛肉粒. 零食为什么大多是甜的. 甜腻的, 真的让人快乐吗. --- "甜是什么味道?" 如果需要, 每个人会有怎样的回答.
P.S.: Jorge同学今天竟然告诉我, 他在南宁呆了两天. 奇异啊! 如果他早说, 如果小白知道, 如果爸爸全家都知道, 该是怎样的美好景象. 中山路他是一定要去的. 朋友和朋友朋友和家人有一朝牵扯, 是很好玩的事情. 就觉得, 世界都连在一起了. 他的哥伦比亚, 我的中国, 爷爷家的南宁, 我们的墨尔本. 如果他去了我去的小摊吃了我吃的烧烤, 我会狠狠地拥抱他亲他的脸惊叫蹦跳. 倒不是因为对城市的喜好, 只是, 我们有了对同样味道的独门记忆. 很美好的事情. 事情是什么味道, 都只有试过才明了.
我想睡了. 晚安. 我的亲爱. 我们都要好好的. 什么过不去了, 从头再来就好.
5/2/2006 fell for the timeI would rather see the ending decision as a joke that I can never recall, if I may. Wishing we could work towards a day when we can meet just as it was the first time, in a quiet building on a crowded street. Say hi and say bye with that sweet tense wondering what to do and say and when.
That was perhaps all that I was thinking or wishing at the time that I sent the message asking "do you want to get back together". How impossibly silly for me to do it but how impossibly shocking that you, you stired an ocean in the heart and that flooded all over you. If that was all for what you called happiness, then why are you the person who cried when I was telling you I was fine, who's gone mad when I told you the most simple thing that lots of people would be thinking of when they meet the end. I was just brave enough to face it and anounce it. I've never meant to joke, and I will never do.
If you just said something like no as I expected or nothing at all, I would understand everything that has happened but you didn't. You got emotional instead. I am confused, or I have an total objection towards what your decision was based on. I have never seen our illness as fatal and I was always prepared to have it live a bitter sweet life which eventually gets better till we have to depart. If happiness don't arrive at all any time soon, shouldn't it be brought back slowly by some other means?
All I did was, to be strong. As you said I should. And I was too fine that I don't even see much mark, and it was all too soon that I don't even quite believe I did well. And I can't believe, you can't let go easy.
All I want to say is, time heals but kills too. Even the most in loved can be departed by time and the power of determination against being together. But of course we all know that our case is in a different category. But you were not sure if that was right and decided to let time kill whatever is left, then be stronger to tell me a lie so that we can all rest. But you can't. Then, turn to another corner and start fresh if you can if we can all smile a bit and be strong in another way.
There are so many things that we haven't been able to do, there are so many things that haven't even talked about, there are boots that you haven't bought for me, there are books that I haven't told you about, there are roof tops that you haven't shown me up to, there are songs that I haven't play for you in piano, that are my lovely friends that you haven't got to talk to more, there are food that I learn to cook that I haven't show you, there are future housemates that you haven't met, there are plaster sculptures that I haven't show you how to do, there are travel stories that you haven't told me about, there are arguement about legal system that has to be continued, there are your works that I haven't seen, there are loads of words that I have to tell you about Chinese, there are loads of phrases that I have to ask you about English, there are Spanish that I want to start with then you could speak Italian to me, there are photos that I have taken that you haven't seen, there are good news about my life that we haven't celebrate together, there are ideas about your future that I want to know about, there are your friends I want to meet again, there are Shauna, Gio, Isa, Ale that I wish to see....
So long dear Miles. If you understand what the title means, maybe a new blossom will fall. We have all fell for the time together, the time, together. Even though it was just the time, but still, could it continue?
4/27/2006 lost and not foundThings are not working. Is anything of mine working now?
That's the most destroying support you could ever give Miles. How do you think you could still be my important support is going to work out? What do you think your tears was for? You are the one took away the only thing that is still comparatively fine then you are there telling me to be strong and I will be fine. That's so like a movie and movie just look too odd in real life.
I burned the mung bean sweet soup into ashes that night after you left and the whole house still smells like on fire. Sweets will never make sadness better but for raising a normal mood higher. I was late for work today for 10 minutes, I just can't leave the darkroom and I did lots of prints of my shitty shots till I have to, have to go so that I am not a century late. I just couldn't get out of there. Couldn't. I said hi to Grant when I started working and he ask me how am I and I said I broke up with someone yesterday and I started having tears and he was there hugging me for a long while. And I was going to get a phone card from the little internet cafe on the way home after work, I didn't even think it would be shut at that time then I hit my face heavily onto the shut glass door. That's not funny guys. It hurts. I was riding my bike through those city streets like I did every time, didn't have a planned route but only right or up depending on which side turns green first. I saw that little lane there I could go cross and get in for first time but I didn't.I pause a second but gave up the meet stranger idea. I was worried. Not for a clear reason. But I turned left a bit on Rathdown St., without realising that I turned left, so I still, ended up a de tour, which was partly the blurry worry.
I've got a phone card now. But I don't feel like talking first. But why am I here rushing my writing so there is still a gap between me finishing and everyone's bed time.
F***. You don't want to turn to other people just for the sake of convenience so you shut yourself to one person. And now the biggest convenience told you that he needed to get out of the way FIRST so that I can deal with other stuff better. You are joking aren't you? Me? You? Who is joking here? The coincidences that didn't work out should be called the jokes of God. Or in other term, fate. And I guess the possible answer to that is I am the biggest inconvenience which need to be out of the way of someone's life which looks problemetic but still fine for me. You are pretty smart, girl, as ussual. You just guessed everything, again. Not even a minute early or late. I said I feel like I was losing something in the morning there you came in the afternoon when everything was still nothing and the minute you are there I said don't talk to me I am scared.
Just realised, what a pity I didn't make it symbolic enough as a movie. I was trying to get myself out there into the sun for a while yesterday, a beautiful day, which we hadn't had for a while since, this winter like autumn. I just feel like the whole set of outfit that I was wearing when I first saw you, the colourful combination of the hot pink polo jumper and the green shirt, plus, the pants you like and the shoes you like. And I haven't been wearing them since. That wasn't for you, it was just that I feel like wearing them yesterday and I have got them all ready in the shower but I didn't make it. But pitty when you arrived in a sudden, I was still messed up in my head thinking I would be able to do some shoots so I put everything black on thinking about my self portrait but it might look like that I did it for you because you like seeing me in black. Doesn't matter what I did you would think that I did it for you.
I was just not harsh enough to myself and said the word before you. And I just don't want to be harsh to myself and I am stuffed enough and I just couldn't be bothered I just wanted to sort other things out first so that things would be better but now it is the other way around that you want to do it. Fine then, it's just a little bit too bad for you to do it at this god damn time, and I will still be fine. Is there any way that I wouldn't be fine? Of course not, as long as I am still human. Just want to tell you that what you have chosen to do or say sounds like, you misunderstood a lot of so called no balance. The only things is that, we are killed by timing and you couldn't handle and you chose to die rather than live a longer better life.
So, this is all dead now. I wish there would be some miracle but, miracle only happens in movies, and only some of them.
"This is for both of us."
How about for your so called happiness.
"We will grow." I would rather not this way.
"We have to leave this good foundation...."
What do you think is solid there. It's only going to be vanishing.
How I wish that I did say, f*** off. But I wasn't strong enough, and I met a not strong enough man. You can't even face your tears and that was why you didn't want to feel upset again you can't even fear nothing just for once for a moment. You are a smart ass too, man.
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